Bro on Vince Vaughn and Star Jones and Fat

[Looking at our friends' Netflix Queues on line.]

ME: Who the fuck hated Swingers?
BRO: *I* hated Swingers. But, I hate Vince Vaughn.
ME: How could you hate Vince Vaughn? I LOVE Vince Vaughn. He's funny.
BRO: He's an asshole. That's why you like him ... I don't know about you. Your asshole world extends to movies. I'm kind of disturbed by that ... Look at his movies. He's a dick in every movie ... And, he's ugly.
ME: He is ugly. I'll give you that.
BRO: Thank you.
ME: He's got those big pockets of ... whatever ... like BAGS under his eyes.
BRO: It's called fat. He doesn't look good fat. Some people can carry fat. Like Star Jones. She looked good fat. She looks bad skinny. I don't know. I guess when you're not having sex with your gay-ass husband, you have to do something to make yourself feel happy.

Bro on the Movie Bio-Dome

"I hate the Baldwins. That movie sucks. Even thinking about it, my face is squished up in a frown."

Mags on Crime

"Why are all the white couples killing each other?"

Bro on Morgan Spurlock's Speech

"I saw that and I was like, wow. That's all I could say. Wow."

Bro on The Meaning of Life

"You don't know Death Cab for Cutie?!?! They're everywhere. Indie rock is all the rage. Feel your youth. Feel your youth!!"

Bro on The Ralph Macchio Post

"I just wasn’t expecting Ralph. It was kind of a buzz kill."

Bro on Experimenting in the Kitchen

"I'm about to try something that could be unholy. I'm making a bacon sandwich and I have to use an English muffin, but I've never put mayonnaise on an English muffin before. It could be fucked up. You know? It could totally not work, and you know how I feel about my food when it's messed up."

Mags on My "Type"

Me: You people ... and by “you people” I mean you and Bro ... claim I only have one type.
Mags: You do.
Me: That’s not true! I don’t have *a* type, I have *different* types.
Mags: What, one uses gel in his hair and the other uses mousse?

Mags on Ralph Macchio

Mags: What’s up with Ralph Macchio? I logged on to your blog, and I was like, “What the hell?! She’s doing a whole post about Ralph Macchio?!”

Me: I wasn’t sure what to blog about that day.

Mags: So you decided Ralph Macchio would be a good subject?!?!

Mags on Gabriel Aubry

ME: "Have you seen Halle Berry's boyfriend?"

MAGS: "No."

ME: "Google him."

MAGS: [Googles. Finds image.] "OMG, He's hot ... and he's younger than her, isn't he? You go Halle Berry! I wonder how old he is. He can't be any older than 25. She's like what? 40? [Googles.] Stats? Profession: supermodel. Age: 30. He's 30."

Mags on Patriotism

"I'm gonna tell everyone I'm Canadian when I'm in London. Not really. But, I know they all hate us over there."

Mags on Caution

"You're meeting Mr. Opus Dei? Okay, you're right to be cautious."

Mags & Bro on "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift"

MAGS: "He looks nothing like Paul Walker."

BRO: "I thought it was Paul Walker."

MAGS: "He doesn't look like Paul Walker. He's a good-looking white guy and that's about it."

Bro on Halle Berry's New Man

"There's something about the French Canadians. They're getting noticed lately."

Mags on Jason Lewis

ME: "Did you see the link to the Jason Lewis pictures on my blog?"

MAGS: "Hold on. I'm online. I'm checking it out now. [Pauses. Sees photos. Sharply inhales deeply.] YOU SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS ON YOUR BLOG!! He looks hot in the nude photo. And, I don't know why, but the picture of him in the glasses and the tie is doing it for me too."

Bro on Name-Calling

"She called us drunkards? Sluts and illiterates, I can take. Drunkards? I won't stand for that."

Mags on Stirrup Pants

--- Stolie wrote ---
>
> Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2006 00:18:51
> From: Stolie
> Subject: We've Got Stirrup Pants!!
>
> I heard *DISTURBING* news just a bit ago. "People" are
> saying that stirrup pants are coming back in this summer.
> STIRRUP PANTS!!! Is this true? Have you heard this?
> WHO is wearing them?
>
> Do I have to buy stirrup pants this season? :-(
>
> Stolie
>
>

--- Mags wrote: ---

>> Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2006 13:58:42
>> Subject: We've Got Stirrup Pants!!
>>
>> Oh lord, it's official the '80s have arrived with a
>> vengeance.
>>
>> I'm making my pledge now, against the stirrup pant.
>> I, Mags, here to forewith shall never don a pair of stirrup
>> pants. Whether they are carried in Macy's, Filene's, The
>> Gap, Banana Republic with ads in Cosmo and Glamour
>> and worn on every street corner. I will stand strong against
>> the stirrup.
>>
>> Mags

Bro on My Temporary Case of Phlegmy Old Lady Voice

BRO: "You sound more womanly when you're sick. You don't have your normal, high-pitched, cheery voice. Your voice is deeper. More mature. You know, it's just deeper. You sound like Kathleen Turner."

ME: "I sound like a He-Woman?! I have Old Lady Voice?"

Bro on What Mama Christy Needs to Know

Me: "Did you read the comments on my blog the other day?

Bro: "No. I haven't read it in days."

Me: "Mama Christy thinks you should start a blog."

Bro: "Mama Christy needs to know that I am lazy."

Bro on The Inevitable

[Mags has just seen a movie in which the lead character not only shares her name (Mags) but the character dies. This disturbs Mags.]

Mags: "Her name is Mags, too."

Bro: "Aaaannnddd ... ?"

Mags: "And she dies in the end"

Bro: "And, you know what? Some day you will die too."

Mags & Bro on Aging

BRO: "Ewwwwww! He had Old Man Cough?!?! I hate Old Man Cough. It reminds me of death ... Old people are just gross."

MAGS: "You know we're going to be there one day ... unless we die."

BRO: "Yeah, well they neeed to figure out better ways to control aging and stuff."

Bro on Her Guest Entry

"I'll have you know, I'm not excited about writing it."

Mags on Health

"I'm dying from a hangover and you're dying from the flu."

Mags on Her Hangover

"My neck hurts from sleeping on my bathroom floor. It's my own fault for being dumb. But, whatever. I had fun. That's all that matters, right?"

Mags on St. Patrick's Day

“St. Patrick’s Day in Boston is like Mardi Gras. It was crazy. I woke up on my bathroom floor this morning. And, now, I’m curled up in the fetal position on my couch. I really don’t think I can move from my couch. I just don’t think that I can do it.”

Bro on "Ms. Nice Girl" Stolie

ME: Do you think I’m too nice to the guys that I date?

BRO: I don’t care about this. I just woke up from my nap. Aren’t we supposed to be drinking free wine right now?

ME: I’m not drinking.

BRO: Well, if you drink with me ... maybe we can ponder this question?

ME: You hate me.

BRO: Yes, right now I do. I’m bored. I’m working. I’m grouchy. I want free wine.

Bro on Her Slacker Ex-Coworker

Bro: You know he's going to law school, don't you?

Me: Bo?

Bro: Yeah, Bo is going to law school.

Me: He doesn't shower. Most lawyers shower.

Mags on Purim

"I ate a Jewish delicacy. That was fun."

Bro on Lent

"Do it for Jesus."

Mags on Whether I or Not I Should Go to Boy #2's House in the Middle of the Night to Cuss Him Out

Mags: "Oooh, don't do that. My mom always said this: 'in situation like this you have to keep you head on straight.' Because you know what, Stolie? If you go over there in the middle of the night right now, you would end up looking like the crazy person. And, that's exactly what he would tell all of his friends, 'She came over to my house in the middle of the night and she cussed me out.' It would discredit anything that you would say to him and he wouldn't even listen to you. Keep your cool."

Stolie: "You know ... You're right."

Bro's response: "Seeeee, it's good to have WASPy friends. All that repressed anger."

Bro on Boy #2

"I don't think that he's malicious or that he meant to hurt you on purpose. I just think it's like I said in the beginning: he's an Honorable Fuckup. He's got a good heart, but he just can't help himself in his actions."

Bro on Emotional Health

"Don't be afraid of your emotions. Use them. Love them. Work with them. Your emotions are telling you: Use us. Use us. Love us!!!"

Bro on Santino Rice

"I'm still upset about Santino. My heart is broken [...] He's a star. He'll be okay."

Bro on 40-something Men

"Single, 40 year-old men are the new 20 year-old men. Don't touch them. They're immature."

Bro on Pain

"It hurts. But, it's only for like a teeny tiny second ... and then it's done."

Bro on the BBC British Guy

[I see a picture of a hottie on news.bbc.co.uk. I forward the article & photo to Bro with the following message: "Brits are getting hotter. Look at the man in the picture."]

Bro responds via email: Oooh! What's up with the Brits? Yummy! :) You KNOW he looks like Le Canadien, don't you? ... STOP LIKING THE SAME MEN! I swear, all your guys are the same person... :)

On Overhearing Voices over the Phone

MAGS: "Oh my God. That scared me. I was like, "We're being wire tapped."

BRO: "Fuck the gov'ment."

Mags on Joan Rivers

"I just can't stand her."

Mags on Falling Asleep

"Okay. I'm pulling myself together. I am pulling myself together. I have pulled it together."

Bro on Me Giving Up Alcohol for Lent

"I don't have anything to say to that. Do what you feel you must."

Bro on the 78th Oscars

"That was the worst show ever in the history of the Oscars"

Bro on Men

"I like my pizza like I like my men: firm and hard."

Bro on People Who Stand in Her Way

"New Yorkers don't drive. People are cars here. Would a car stand in the middle of the road? No. So why is this woman just standing in the middle of the sidewalk?! She should be walking."

Bro on How I Answer the Phone

"Have you ever lived your life and thought, 'What's wrong with me?' You haven't? You should. Something is wrong with you."

Mags in Knowing Things

"I am from the future."

Mags on Rape

"Rape is not hot."

Mags on My Mental State

"You know, I was telling Bro the other day: I think Stolie has gotten quite paranoid lately."