Bro on Talking About My Love Life over the Phone

[ring, ring]

Bro: You know it's the Footballers Wive$ season finale, right? This better be good.
Me: Whatever. I'll call you tomorrow.
Bro: No, it's okay. It's on commercial break. What is it?
Me: [insert neurotic rant.]
Bro: Just so you know, at the end of the next commercial break ... I’m hanging up on you.
Me: Whatever!!! Why not just end the call now? Or are you just waiting for the commercial break so that you can have the pleasure of hanging up on me?
Bro: Yeah, I'd rather hang up on you.

Bro on Mile High & Footballers Wive$ Extra Time

"God bless BBC America! I love them. I’m so impressed with them. They’ve done a really good job with their programming lately."

Bro to the Cabbie

"I wouldn’t fuck with me if I were you. I could pull a car-jacking and beat you and your cab."

Bro on Making Time for Friends

[ring, ring]

Me: Hello
Bro: Hey, what did you want? You called earlier and said you had a question?
Me: Yeah, I had a ques ...
Bro: What is it?
Me: I was going to ask you about ...
Bro: Get to it.
Me: DAMMIT! I don’t like being rushed on the phone. I’m not putting up with this. I don’t like ...
Bro: First, I’m not rushing, I’m filling out my jury summons form. Second, we all have to deal with things that we don’t like.

Bro on George Michael

"Have you read Pink Is The New Blog lately???? What is your man doing???"

Bro on Peter Brady

"He's marrying that model chick. It's kind of weird."

Bro on Choosing Her Dinner for the Evening

Me: What could better than a big juicy steak?
Bro: Burritoville? Burritoville is cheaper.

Bro on the MTA

Me: Sometimes when I'm walking underground, you know on the subway, I think: Armageddon has hit the MTA.
Bro: Oh, yes. It has!!!!!

Bro on My Fear of Being Emotional Availabile with Sven Johånn Låårssøn

"Okay, at some point you've gotta get over your whole fear of getting hurt thing. Everybody gets hurt. You gotta put yourself out there. Don't be sitting there in the corner like Baby. Nobody puts Baby in the corner. Even Baby got out of the corner."

Bro on Lance Armstrong

"Mr. No Balls."

Bro on Terms of Endearment

"That's a fucking brilliant movie."

Mags on the Heat in London

"Hell cannot possibly be hotter — or for that matter, stinkier — than the London tube."

Bro on the Heat in NYC

ME: I'm dying.
BRO: Okay, you gotta think cool thoughts. Be frosty! Think frosty!

Bro on French Cinema

"Do I like French Cinema? I know I like my Aussie and my British cinema, but I don't know about France. I mean, you know, I like the French ... but I don't know if I like their cinema."

Bro on U.S. Soccer & Divine Wisdom

ME: Whatever! I don't get it. We doesn't the MLS site have info about the US vs. Chelsea game?
BRO: These are questions to which only the Lord has answers.

Bro on VD and Bed Bugs

ME: They say that there's a bigger stigma for people with bed bugs than there is for people with VD.
BRO: I get that.
ME: What? You think it's better to have VD than bed bugs?!?!
BRO: Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, at least with VD, there's a chance that you did something fun to get it. There was fun involved. But, with bed bugs ...
ME: Yeah, I see what you mean. With bed bugs, it's just like: you got in the wrong cabbie's cab.
BRO: Exactly, or like, you rubbed up against the wrong person on the subway.
ME: Yeah.
BRO: Exactly. There's no fun with bed bugs.

Mags on 2 Men @ A Bistro

"Normally, in America, if two guys order a bottle of wine, it's because they're gay. Not in Europe. They actually do that here. Two guys will share a bottle of wine and it just means, well, they're having wine. That's all."