Bro on "Larger" People on the Subway

"There's nothing worse than squeezing your ass in a space that won't fit it. Don't do that. When people do that on the subway, they squish all of the other people. Even I know that my ass won't fit everywhere."

Bro on Ren Fair People

"I don't understand people who want to romanticize a period in time when there was no indoor plumbing."

Bro on The Mahmudiyah Incident

"Stop reading that. Maybe you like being sad. I don’t like being sad. And, stop sending me depressing emails about that."

Bro On Advice

"That’s as brilliant as my thoughts get."

Bro on Marky Mark

"I has let himself go. Just because he had a baby doesn't mean that he can't take care of himself anymore."