Mags & Bro

Mags on the Farting Post

2006-09-28T14:29:00.000-04:00

> ----- Original Message ----
> From: mags@xxx.com
> To: funkybrownchick@xxx.com
> Cc: bro@xxx.com
> Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 9:26:20 AM
> Subject: Farting
>
> I just had to let you know, I finally read the Funky
> Brown Chick's post about farting this morning. I was
> cracking up. Personally, I think there has to be some
> kind of happy middle ground between running to the
> bathroom all the time, and just letting 'em rip whenever
> you feel like it. On the one hand farting in front of
> someone you're dating (or married to) is not going to
> exactly *up* your sex appeal, and but then if you're
> serious with someone (or married), you should feel
> comfortable to fart with them.
>
> My parents fart in front of each ALL the time, and I'm
> not gonna lie it grosses me out sometimes. Although
> farting in general grosses me out, it's right up there
> with feet. My family has actually accused me of not
> farting enough. They wonder if something is wrong with
> me. My sister and her best friend (when we were kids)
> used to have farting contests. That was disgusting.
>
> Bro, do your parents fart in front of each other? Just
> curious. Anyway, I'm done procastinating work. Talk to
> you soon.
>
> Mags
>

* NOTE: Mags is really grossed out by the sight of bare feet.

Mags on Stealing Wireless Service

2006-09-21T23:13:00.000-04:00

MAGS: My internet isn't working.
ME: Excuse me ... MY internet?! Um, well, you can't really call it YOUR internet because you're tapping into your neighbor's wireless. You're not paying so, you know, it's not like YOUR internet.
MAGS: Fine. Fine. THE internet is not working.

Mags on Parental Guidance

2006-09-15T14:23:00.000-04:00

"My dad just told me to stop being such a slacker ... He told me to get off of my ass and do something with my life."

Bro on Being Nice

2006-09-14T23:21:00.000-04:00

"Fuck kind and fuzzy. Most people aren't that way."

Bro on America

2006-09-08T00:31:00.000-04:00

"Land of the free ... Home of the Silly. We would be better if we were France. Oui, Oui!!!"

Mags on an a Woman Who Posted Her Street Address Online

2006-09-06T08:37:00.000-04:00

That's dumb.

Bro on Tom Cruise

2006-09-06T08:36:00.000-04:00

"I think he's an alien"

Mags and Bro on People on the Silver Screen

2006-09-06T08:34:00.000-04:00

BRO: "I wanna go one year without seeing Jude Law on a screen. I'm sick of him. He's everywhere... Like God ... Maybe he is God."

MAGS: "And, I'm tired of seeing movies with really short, fat, ugly guys with relatively cute girls."

Bro on "Larger" People on the Subway

2006-08-17T17:30:00.000-04:00

"There's nothing worse than squeezing your ass in a space that won't fit it. Don't do that. When people do that on the subway, they squish all of the other people. Even I know that my ass won't fit everywhere."

Bro on Ren Fair People

2006-08-13T01:40:00.000-04:00

"I don't understand people who want to romanticize a period in time when there was no indoor plumbing."

Bro on The Mahmudiyah Incident

2006-08-07T17:59:00.000-04:00

"Stop reading that. Maybe you like being sad. I don’t like being sad. And, stop sending me depressing emails about that."

Bro On Advice

2006-08-07T17:51:00.000-04:00

"That’s as brilliant as my thoughts get."

Bro on Marky Mark

2006-08-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

"I has let himself go. Just because he had a baby doesn't mean that he can't take care of himself anymore."

Bro on Talking About My Love Life over the Phone

2006-07-31T00:02:00.000-04:00

[ring, ring]

Bro: You know it's the Footballers Wive$ season finale, right? This better be good.
Me: Whatever. I'll call you tomorrow.
Bro: No, it's okay. It's on commercial break. What is it?
Me: [insert neurotic rant.]
Bro: Just so you know, at the end of the next commercial break ... I’m hanging up on you.
Me: Whatever!!! Why not just end the call now? Or are you just waiting for the commercial break so that you can have the pleasure of hanging up on me?
Bro: Yeah, I'd rather hang up on you.

Bro on Mile High & Footballers Wive$ Extra Time

2006-07-30T22:55:00.000-04:00

"God bless BBC America! I love them. I’m so impressed with them. They’ve done a really good job with their programming lately."

Bro to the Cabbie

2006-07-30T14:30:00.000-04:00

"I wouldn’t fuck with me if I were you. I could pull a car-jacking and beat you and your cab."

Bro on Making Time for Friends

2006-07-27T00:38:00.000-04:00

[ring, ring]

Me: Hello
Bro: Hey, what did you want? You called earlier and said you had a question?
Me: Yeah, I had a ques ...
Bro: What is it?
Me: I was going to ask you about ...
Bro: Get to it.
Me: DAMMIT! I don’t like being rushed on the phone. I’m not putting up with this. I don’t like ...
Bro: First, I’m not rushing, I’m filling out my jury summons form. Second, we all have to deal with things that we don’t like.

Bro on George Michael

2006-07-25T02:06:00.000-04:00

"Have you read Pink Is The New Blog lately???? What is your man doing???"

Bro on Peter Brady

2006-07-25T00:04:00.000-04:00

"He's marrying that model chick. It's kind of weird."

Bro on Choosing Her Dinner for the Evening

2006-07-24T20:15:00.000-04:00

Me: What could better than a big juicy steak?
Bro: Burritoville? Burritoville is cheaper.

Bro on the MTA

2006-07-24T19:27:00.000-04:00

Me: Sometimes when I'm walking underground, you know on the subway, I think: Armageddon has hit the MTA.
Bro: Oh, yes. It has!!!!!

Bro on My Fear of Being Emotional Availabile with Sven Johånn Låårssøn

2006-07-23T16:52:00.000-04:00

"Okay, at some point you've gotta get over your whole fear of getting hurt thing. Everybody gets hurt. You gotta put yourself out there. Don't be sitting there in the corner like Baby. Nobody puts Baby in the corner. Even Baby got out of the corner."

Bro on Lance Armstrong

2006-07-22T16:51:00.000-04:00

"Mr. No Balls."

Bro on Terms of Endearment

2006-07-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

"That's a fucking brilliant movie."

Mags on the Heat in London

2006-07-20T16:59:00.000-04:00

"Hell cannot possibly be hotter — or for that matter, stinkier — than the London tube."

Bro on the Heat in NYC

2006-07-17T17:40:00.000-04:00

ME: I'm dying.
BRO: Okay, you gotta think cool thoughts. Be frosty! Think frosty!

Bro on French Cinema

2006-07-08T20:21:00.000-04:00

"Do I like French Cinema? I know I like my Aussie and my British cinema, but I don't know about France. I mean, you know, I like the French ... but I don't know if I like their cinema."

Bro on U.S. Soccer & Divine Wisdom

2006-07-08T12:44:00.000-04:00

ME: Whatever! I don't get it. We doesn't the MLS site have info about the US vs. Chelsea game?
BRO: These are questions to which only the Lord has answers.

Bro on VD and Bed Bugs

2006-07-08T03:07:00.000-04:00

ME: They say that there's a bigger stigma for people with bed bugs than there is for people with VD.
BRO: I get that.
ME: What? You think it's better to have VD than bed bugs?!?!
BRO: Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, at least with VD, there's a chance that you did something fun to get it. There was fun involved. But, with bed bugs ...
ME: Yeah, I see what you mean. With bed bugs, it's just like: you got in the wrong cabbie's cab.
BRO: Exactly, or like, you rubbed up against the wrong person on the subway.
ME: Yeah.
BRO: Exactly. There's no fun with bed bugs.

Mags on 2 Men @ A Bistro

2006-07-08T03:04:00.000-04:00

"Normally, in America, if two guys order a bottle of wine, it's because they're gay. Not in Europe. They actually do that here. Two guys will share a bottle of wine and it just means, well, they're having wine. That's all."

Mags on Retardation

2006-06-29T23:36:00.000-04:00

--- Mags wrote: ---

> I am in need of some advice. Short version of the story,

[snip ... basically, she met a boy]

> But yesterday he texted me inviting me to [his city] in 2 weeks
> and/or asking if he can visit me in [my city]. I absolutely
> can not afford to go to [his city]. And I'm unsure if I want
> to invite him to come to [my city] or not. Basically, he's
> really nice [...] but I have picked up some red flags.

[snip ... basically, he's a freak.]

> I realize that I'm not doing a very good job of explaining
> this over e-mail. But what's your initial reaction? Am I
> overanalyzing? Part of me really wants to be spontaneous,
> and invite him to come, and the other part of me feels like
> I should listen to my [gut about the red flags].
>
> Mags
>
>

--- Stolie wrote: ---
>
> My thoughts? Um, clearly the guy wants to fuck you. (And, if
> you invite him to [your city], he's going to assume that you
> want to fuck him too.)
>
> By the way, as you read my words, remember that I'm (slightly)
> bitter at men, the world, God, and life right now ... but I
> still stand by my words: He. Wants. To. Fuck. You.
>
> Stolie

--- Mags wrote: ---

> I. KNOW. HE WANTS. TO FUCK. ME. I AM NOT RETARDED :).
>
> Mags
>

Bro on Her Organizational Skills

2006-06-29T23:21:00.000-04:00

"I just have to say this ... I'm a little bit in love with myself rignt now. I impress myself. I've just never known myself to be this way."

Bro on Figo

2006-06-29T23:19:00.000-04:00

"You think Figo is hot?!?!? That's only because he's an asshole. He's a little bitch, you saw him last week. Just when I think you've learned and you've grown and you've changed ... YOU HAVEN'T. You let me down. You did. You truly did."

Bro on Hitler

2006-06-29T09:32:00.000-04:00

"He's the O.D., the Original Deviant."

Bro on Why NYC is Different Than the Rest of the US

2006-06-27T21:36:00.000-04:00

"This is not Bush country."

Bro on Humanity

2006-06-24T12:51:00.000-04:00

"People are pants."

Bro on My Weaknesses

2006-06-22T22:36:00.000-04:00

"#1. You don't show your feelings, you keep stuff bottled inside. #2. You don't ask for help when you need it. #3. You're fucking neurotic."

Bro on "Fru-fru" Girlie Stores

2006-06-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

"My right tit wouldn't fit in anything from Forever 21."

Bro On A Distant Friend's Wedding

2006-06-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

"You shouldn't spend $1 million for wedding invitations for people who are going to get divorced in 2 years."

Bro on Paul Walker's Age (32)

2006-06-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

"Old-ass man."

Bro on My Husband

2006-06-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

"I fucking hate Paul Walker. I hate him. And, I hate him even more because you're so obsessed with him."

Bro on Our Generation

2006-06-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

ME: I think our generation got screwed. We're all single longer and we're all in debt.
BRO: Generation X got fucked up the ass hard. It's not fun. It's an unpleasant feeling.

Bro on the British Boy

2006-06-18T23:07:00.000-04:00

“Eroticism? Sexy. Neuroticism? Not sexy. Notice the “n” as in not sexy? Eroticism vs. Neuroticism. Get it?”

Bro on Crime

2006-06-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

"Wow. You saw a robbery in action? That's great. Now you're a real New Yorker. You're not a New Yorker until you've seen a store get held up."

Bro My "Boy Thinking" Ability

2006-06-17T02:01:00.000-04:00

Me: I'm thinking ...
Bro: Uh-huh
Me: What?
Bro: Well, when you start thinking, you get into trouble. Seriously. When you think about boys, weirdness ensues."

Bro on My Wardrobe

2006-06-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

"I hate those shorts. Don't wear them."

Bro on Victoria Beckham

2006-06-15T23:09:00.000-04:00

ME: "Beckham's wife needs to eat some fucking food."
BRO: "It's gross. Like, she is gross. I don't get it. And, she doesn't do anything. At least he does something. What does she do?"

Bro on Cocaine

2006-06-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

"Everyone who's anyone is doing coke."

Bro on Matters of Life and Death

2006-06-15T23:04:00.000-04:00

"I love closure. I need closure. When I don't have closure, a little part of my soul dies."

Bro on Humanity.

2006-06-14T23:21:00.000-04:00

"I hate people. I've always hated them."

Bro on Jake Gyllenhaal

2006-06-14T23:18:00.000-04:00

Bro: I think I'm starting to get the Gyllenhaal thing.
Me: You're late. I always "got" the Gyllenhaal thing.
Bro: Yeah, but he changed, he used to look like a boy. Now he looks like a man.

Bro on Acceptance

2006-06-12T14:37:00.000-04:00

ME: OMG, I just yelled out something about gay rough train, and the two gay men in front totally just looked at me.
BRO: What do you expect? It's New York. [Everyone's gay here.]

Bro on Financial Planning

2006-06-07T23:56:00.000-04:00

Bro: Did you know you can, like, rent a bike for $5 an hour?
Me: Did you know that you can, like, buy one for $76 and it would be yours forever?
Bro: Punk.

Mags on American Intelligence

2006-06-04T18:48:00.000-04:00

"I swear this guy asked, 'Why did they build Windsor Castle so close to Heathrow?'"

Bro on Inspiration

2006-06-04T18:47:00.000-04:00

ME: Are you tired?
BRO: No, why? Are you tired?
ME: No, I'm just asking because you seem low energy.
BRO: I'm always low energy. That's me.

Bro on Dooce's Kid

2006-06-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

"It's not like she's my kid. I'm not raising her. I just don't care."

Bro on Jude Law

2006-06-01T22:48:00.000-04:00

"I don't know what he's doing. He used to look like a guy, but now he looks like a girl."

Bro on Receiving Moral Support from Strangers.

2006-05-27T08:49:00.000-04:00

"I don't need cheerleaders! I am my own cheerleader."

Bro on the International Community

2006-05-23T06:14:00.000-04:00

"I don't get Canadians. I don't. I mean, why aren't they dating him? What's wrong with [Canadian women]?!?!"

Mags on My “Bad Day”

2006-05-19T17:31:00.000-04:00

Mags: Do you have a funny movie at home from Netflix that you can watch?
Me: I have Sex and the City.
Mags: Good.
Me: I also have a movie about gay orthodox Jews and the oppression they face, but I’m not going to watch that one tonight.
Mags: Stolie!!!! How do you even find these movies? Really, I want to understand how somebody finds these movies. How did you find a movie about gay orthodox Jews?!?!

Bro on JP

2006-05-18T00:06:00.000-04:00

“He sounds boring.”

Mags on Which Sex and the City Character I Think She Is.

2006-05-14T23:42:00.000-04:00

"I already know what you’re going to say, and I already know what I’m going to say. So, we’re not even going to talk about this. I’m Charlotte. That’s fine. I’m okay with that. She’s a good character ... Which one do you think you are?"

Bro on Men Who Play Hacky Sack (Footbag)

2006-05-14T23:40:00.000-04:00

"I just thought that they didn’t shower ... because, you know, they don’t believe in it."

Bro on My Exes

2006-05-14T23:39:00.000-04:00

"I don’t think that all of your men have been honorable fuckups—actually, most of them have just been self-absorbed assholes."

Bro on Things In Her Lungs

2006-05-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

"I'm not a big saliva person. I don't spit at will. It would have to be a huge amount of phelgm for me to spit it out. I mean, collectively, I don't get that much at the same time. I mean, it's not like it's cum. THAT is something you should spit out ... All of of the time ..."

Bro on Youth

2006-05-11T00:05:00.000-04:00

"You're older, but you don't look it. I say: Go with it! Go with the feeling!"

Bro on Fatass Ray Romano

2006-05-10T23:57:00.000-04:00

STOLIE: I wish you people truly understood what "overwight" means.
BRO: Stolie, Ray Romano is not a fatass!!!! He's not skinny, but he is not a fatass.

Mags on Being a Freckled, Redheaded Irish-American Woman

2006-05-10T17:43:00.000-04:00

Mags: “He asked me if I was Irish.”
Stolie: “That must be annoying. It’s like, come on, it’s obvious.”
Mags: “I know. It’s frustrating. And, it’s annoying. I mean, it’s not like people ask *you* if you’re black. Come on people. I am Irish. Get over it.”

Mags on Computer Errors

2006-04-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

"Enter a numeric character?! The number 5 is numeric, assholes!"

Bro on Successfully Managing Everyday Stress

2006-04-25T06:22:00.000-04:00

"I may sound distracted ... That's because everyone has lost their minds. Everyone. And, it's slowly trickling down to me. But, I'm not going to lose my mind. I am going to keep it together. Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Mags on Converting Me to a Robert Redford Lover

2006-04-24T07:08:00.000-04:00

"You need to watch The Sting. I didn’t get the whole Paul Newman and Robert Redford thing until I saw that movie. It came out when they were both young and good-looking. Yeah. It’s all about The Sting."

Bro on Mags' Dedication to Her Masters Degree

2006-04-23T10:25:00.000-04:00

"What's wrong with her? She's a weirdo. Why is she working so hard? It's not like they are paying her."

Mags on Starting Her Day

2006-04-23T08:50:00.000-04:00

"Coffee is just awesome. Can I tell you that?"

Bro on Demi Moore

2006-04-23T01:47:00.000-04:00

"She's not a slut anymore but she was a slut. She has been a slut in a lot of movies."

Bro on Management Styles

2006-04-22T14:53:00.000-04:00

ME: “If I were running [NYC nonprofit], I would whip it into shape. Sometimes you have to be a dictator.”
BRO: “And, sometimes you need dick. You wouldn’t be a dictator if you got dick on a regular basis. You need to get laid; loosen you up a little bit.”

Mags on The Beastie Boys

2006-04-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

“They were like Kid Rock, pre-Kid Rock. You know, like, that combo Rock-Rap. Know what I mean?”

Mags on Guy Photos That I Sent Her

2006-04-20T21:28:00.000-04:00

"He's the man of 10 faces. None of them look the same ... Are you sure it's the same person?!"

Mags on George W. Bush

2006-04-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

George W. Bush: "Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job ... I hear the voices. And I read the front page. And I know the speculation. But I am the decider. And I decide what is best. And what is best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense." [Quote Source: CNN,ABC News, Salon.com, The Guardian and others.]

Mag's Response: "He is fucking retarded!"

Bro on People Who Feel My Pain

2006-04-18T21:50:00.000-04:00

"What 'pain' do you have?! You don't have pain."

Bro on Hating Today's Post

2006-04-18T14:32:00.000-04:00

"You wrote about deodorant???"

Mags on the Gospel of Judas

2006-04-17T00:33:00.000-04:00

"I'm too tired to have a deep conversation about anything spiritual or whatever."

Mags on My Type of Guy

2006-04-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

"He just said: 'Well, I don't really have to say anything, just look at me.' Oh, that guy is soooo your type."

Bro on "Running Man Mags"

2006-04-16T21:40:00.000-04:00

Mags: I've always been a runner.
Bro: Then why didn't you do cross country in high school?
Mags: Because I'm slow.
Bro: Oh, so you're not a good runner?

Bro & Mags on Health

2006-04-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

Bro: Am I a hypochondriac?
Mags: Yes.

Mags on Grammar

2006-04-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Me: Yeah, I'm not gonna see my little Brit boy because now I'm not going to that professional conference.
Mags: Who?
Me: The Brit boy.
Mags: Who was him?
Me: What?!?!
Mags: I'm not repeating it. I'm embarassed that even came out.

Mags on Bills

2006-04-14T16:00:00.000-04:00

"We should go back to the barter system."

Mags on Natural Body Responses

2006-04-12T23:33:00.000-04:00

"I fucking hate hiccups."

Bro on Multiculturalism

2006-04-08T11:12:00.000-04:00

"I'm not going to the Bronx. It's too far, and all I'm going to see is a bunch of Latino people listening to really loud music. I can get that here in Manhattan if I go to the right places."

Bro on Being a True Manhattanite

2006-04-08T11:08:00.000-04:00

"I fucking hate Brooklyn."

Bro on Important Instructions

2006-04-07T00:17:00.000-04:00

"Don't ever look at my toes."

Bro on the New York Mets Shea Stadium

2006-04-07T00:13:00.000-04:00

“It’s Queens. Be prepared to fight.”

Bro on the New York State of Mind

2006-04-06T00:51:00.000-04:00

"You have to remember that at least 1 in every 4 New Yorkers is fucking nuts."

Mags on Men Who Look Good in Mandals

2006-04-05T19:26:00.000-04:00

"It can happen, but it’s rare. The shoes need to look good and your feet can’t be fucked up."

Bro on Being a Hypochondriac

2006-04-04T16:31:00.000-04:00

"Where [in your body] is your pancreas? My side hurts. I think I have pancreatic cancer."

Bro on Vince Vaughn and Star Jones and Fat

2006-03-31T14:04:00.000-05:00

[Looking at our friends' Netflix Queues on line.]

ME: Who the fuck hated Swingers?
BRO: *I* hated Swingers. But, I hate Vince Vaughn.
ME: How could you hate Vince Vaughn? I LOVE Vince Vaughn. He's funny.
BRO: He's an asshole. That's why you like him ... I don't know about you. Your asshole world extends to movies. I'm kind of disturbed by that ... Look at his movies. He's a dick in every movie ... And, he's ugly.
ME: He is ugly. I'll give you that.
BRO: Thank you.
ME: He's got those big pockets of ... whatever ... like BAGS under his eyes.
BRO: It's called fat. He doesn't look good fat. Some people can carry fat. Like Star Jones. She looked good fat. She looks bad skinny. I don't know. I guess when you're not having sex with your gay-ass husband, you have to do something to make yourself feel happy.

Bro on the Movie Bio-Dome

2006-03-31T13:59:00.000-05:00

"I hate the Baldwins. That movie sucks. Even thinking about it, my face is squished up in a frown."

Mags on Crime

2006-03-28T21:31:00.000-05:00

"Why are all the white couples killing each other?"

Bro on Morgan Spurlock's Speech

2006-03-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

"I saw that and I was like, wow. That's all I could say. Wow."

Bro on The Meaning of Life

2006-03-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

"You don't know Death Cab for Cutie?!?! They're everywhere. Indie rock is all the rage. Feel your youth. Feel your youth!!"

Bro on The Ralph Macchio Post

2006-03-28T20:38:00.000-05:00

"I just wasn’t expecting Ralph. It was kind of a buzz kill."